i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
