I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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