You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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