I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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