You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
