I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
