he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
