Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
