Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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