her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
