Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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