I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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