Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
