I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
