I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
