Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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