I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
