When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
