And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
