My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
