I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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