I'm so fucking centered right now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
