are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
