im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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