Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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