I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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