That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
