What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
