I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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