Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
