What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
