wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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