you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
