Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
