I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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