look no pants
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
