As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
