at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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