i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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