This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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