when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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