the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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