you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
