Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
