Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
