Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
