So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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