You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
