my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
