I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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