Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
