Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
