I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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