STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
